Pregnancy diaries: Weeks 30-38


Week 30+0

As I’m writing this, the baby pushes my belly on both sides of my navel. Its slightly distracting, as if I weren’t thinking about her already. My thoughts are more and more in the birth and a life that is gonna be so different from what I’m used to. But I’m happy to feel her move. The other day I experienced the first panic of not feeling her move for a while. Luckily after a while she started her usual shenanigans. Last night I also woke up to a first painful contraction. Lots of firsts!

I’ve been more moody than before. It doesn’t take much for me to cry. My hunger has also reached a new level. It’s crazy to think how fast the baby is growing in size now, so no wonder I’m craving for the extra calories. (Luckily it’s Christmas time and there’s always quick calories available in chocolate, ha ha). Other symptoms I could list are leukorrhea (can’t remember the last time I had to buy pantyliners), heartburn and tiredness.

Week 31+0

Dear baby girl, I love to feel you move, because it gives me a peace of mind. However, it does sometimes hurt, just a bit. You’re getting bigger. And yet you’re still so small. I can’t wait to have you in my arms.

This week I’ve been fighting with my mind. My body has required a lot of rest and I have struggled with accepting that. I don’t know if rest or exercising is what my body wants or needs. I don’t know if I’m making things worse by not moving. Then again, exercising hasn’t felt good and throughout this pregnancy I’ve tried to listen to my body. I guess I’m doing my best. And that should be enough.

Yesterday we attended an online birthing class and I’m actually feeling quite calm and trusting about childbirth. Funny how feelings change.

Week 36+.

Weeks 31-34

Weeks are going by so fast. The bump has grown so much. It feels massive, even though there’s still weeks to go. I’ve been quite tired. I get contractions (Braxton-Hicks) daily. Sometimes I wonder how much is normal. Other times they almost prevent me from walking. It doesn’t matter if I walk, sit or lay on the bed though, they happen when they happen.

This week I had to buy some new maternity pants. I have actually outgrown three of my maternity pants, which came as a surprise. Since living in this body has become more uncomfortable and anything that makes me feel better mentally or physically is a bonus, I figured buying new pants is acceptable. I found some really nice pants from H&M that can be worn also after pregnancy. If and when I get a lot of use out of the pants, it justifies the not-so-sustainable brand choice.

The nightly wake-ups have increased. Even a slight pressure (the need for peeing) feels very uncomfortable and it wakes me up.

The other night I slept poorly, stressing about the position of the baby. She isn’t yet head down and that worries me, as I would prefer to give birth naturally, having her be in the best position for that. But as Risto said, one way or the other, we’re gonna get the baby into our arms. And that’s true. It doesn’t matter how she is born, just that she is healthy. Why do I feel the need to control things I can’t control?

We got a new drawer for the baby and our bedroom is almost ready for the little one.

Week 37 and the hospital bags ready to go.

Week 38 – would you come out?

Weeks 36-38

On week 36 I learned that the baby is in position, ready to roll. I realize now that she might have been that way for a while, but since she’s quite active, I just couldn’t tell which way she was in there. Needless to say, this was a big relief, but also it makes me look forward to her birthday all the more.

Today 38 weeks are full and as my sister said, “the last torture” is here. I’m feeling quite desperate at times, depending on the day. I’m so ready to have this baby out, it’s not even funny. Now – how does it feel when the baby’s head is down there and low, you ask me? Like you have constant pressure between your legs and like you need to pee all the time. Also since she’s still growing rapidly, my belly feels huge and heavy. My lower body has started to swell and I don’t recognize my thighs. They also hurt, so you might find me on the bed, legs up, ice on the thighs. There’s also contractions, back and rib pains, heartburn, headache, you name it. It’s something every day.

Overall, I’m feeling like a stranger in my body. In a way it has been like this the whole pregnancy – not being in control of your own body. But the process is even faster now in the last month. I can’t wait to have my body back – or at least be alone in it. Once again I’m so thankful for not going through this alone. I have the loveliest support group of other expectant mothers, my sisters (who happily welcome my complaining) and I have Risto, who every day reminds me how beautiful I am and how well I’m coping with the pregnancy.

Since it’s just two weeks until the due date, it makes me think of this whole journey here. What a crazy amazing road it has been both physically and mentally. I have both lost a lot of weight and then got a lot back. My body has transformed. I think my mind also a bit. I have read baby books and reflected back on my childhood. I have made plans on my mind for three. I have been amazed of my body’s ability to care for a child.

It feels like an eternity since I got the positive result on the test. How my body trembled and tears just poured on my face. How far away February then felt. Yet here we are and the little bean that we first called Blueberry, is suddenly nearly three kilos and it shouldn’t be long (even though it feels like another eternity) until we get her in our arms and we really see her for the first time.

How exciting, nerve-wrecking, frustrating and wonderful this all is. In our soon nine years together with Risto, we have had all kind of adventures. All kinds of difficult and wonderful situations we have lived through. But I think this will be the biggest adventure of our lives. The kind, which doesn’t fly us to a tropical beach or have anything to do with something superficial. I think… Well. I have no idea what we’re getting into, but we make a pretty good team and I can’t wait to find out.


Love, Charlotta


Do people still read poems?

I’ve always loved them. Whatever happening in my life, I’m used to pouring my deepest thoughts and feelings into them. Loving the freedom of not having any rules, not needing the dots, perfect sentences or big initial letters. I started writing poems when I was 8 or 9. One secret dream of mine has always been to publish a poetry book. So why not start by publishing them here first.

Most of the poems are translated from Finnish, so I tried my best to portray them in another language. Hopefully I did okay.

Poems by me

Bathwater from tears 

One day I’ll build a beautiful paradise
from palm trees and beaches

There my nails are the same shade of blue
as the dark blue sky
and my eyes are programmed
to spot just the most exquisite stars up there

When I walk all I see is my destination
When I sit all I think is getting up


when I fell I guess I didn’t see right in front of me

As I’m laying on the cliff my hair is my quilt
even though my face has nothing to hide anymore
except the white canvas and purple curtains

I rise up as the sun rises, and in the evening
I tiptoe my way into the bathroom carefully without waking anybody

bathwater from tears


And I got the stars

I’m tired
and it’s the kind that doesn’t go away with sleep

I’m worn out and used

Nothing like the flock of birds flying in unison, probably just for fun
Nothing like the waves singing their lullaby,
they’re all just one ocean,

calm or storm

And being only twenty-six that should say something

I’m tired, because I said no

And all you heard was


I’m angry, because I always had to wear the big shoes, adult size
Never got new ones with pink sparkly butterflies on top

it’s no wonder I painted my walls with them when I moved out at 17

I’m exhausted and broken

I didn’t get to live in a happy home,
both parents and a healthy ego, ready to conquer the world

We tried to make it happy
and needless to say we didn’t always quite succeed

I’m tired,

As I have been so many times before

I don’t blame myself for wanting to throw me away

And I’m living this new life,
life that I got for myself
After deciding I would make it

Only I’m now realizing it’s just the same, just a longer story

I’m passed out
Drunk and hopeless

But all you heard was


“You’re always tired”, my friend said
“Yes I am”, her mother answered
“And it doesn’t go away with sleep”, my friend continued
“Oh no it doesn’t”, her mother concluded

And in that moment I realized I was tired too
and I didn’t even have the age or the title to back it up

I didn’t have the grandma, aunt or an uncle
Not even the teachers, it seems

I got the invisibility cloak
I got the pen and paper
And I got the stars

I’m tired,

not because of something that happened

Because of all of it
and one in five

I don’t blame myself for wanting to throw me away

I got the words to make difficult sentences,
I got some shame that I’m trying to throw out the window

I got the warm breeze,
with the promise of a good opportunity that must come my way

I got the time,
I got love

I’m tired,
and it’s the kind that goes away with compassion

And being on my third cup of coffee my brain should know

Taking each day and struggle as it comes,
trying not to count how many or how often

So hear me out:

I didn’t come this far
As a victim,
but as a victor

“It’s only sad if you think it’s sad”, my friend thought

And even though I can’t help, but think it’s heartbreakingly sad,
I’m waiting for tomorrow

Because when I’m not tired,
I get to decide what happens
And how everything feels

New, old, or something in between

Calm or storm


You’re not as weak as you think

You’re not as weak as you think

You’re not that fragile and shy
If a wind should blow through you
it could only
make you shiver
a bit

You’re not as weak

You are with the brave and the beautiful
You are with the stars and
If a rain should pour on you
you should make a dance

Shouldn’t you?
I know you want to

’cause if a wind could throw you off
You wouldn’t still stand so tall

You’re not as weak as you think
You’re not broken or bad

You are the masterpiece
You are the sunshine in the middle of the night

This you already know:
not as weak as you think




That day I found a shell on the beach


That day burned into my brain,

Like the blink of an eye
Like forever
that would change everything

I remember a friendly face and the words,
that didn’t fit the smile
That didn’t fit the situation
I had not ordered those words

Don’t you worry,
she said

Even though I had sorrow and fear
Anxiety in my chest and a screaming need

How to know,
which stone does not teeter?

They all look the same I guess,
like they’re rooted to the ground
Just one wobbles underneath your sandal

I remember your eyes
and I try to remember the most important thing

I know you’ll answer –
only by bravely trying

Don’t you worry, I say to myself
I assure and picture a new beautiful scene,
just like I’ve always wanted

That day they cut away lupines from the field,
but I stayed

I stayed even though I had not signed up for this burden either

Somewhere deep inside hope made room,
and whispered:

Don’t you worry


The makeup products used in this look can be found on this post. Lipstick is EGLIPS Cream Lipstick 10.

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