The recovery

Today I cried. It was unexpected and sudden, but luckily I had a shoulder I could lean on. I needed that shoulder. I needed someone to hold me, to comfort me and someone to listen to me.

They say if you share a worry, it divides in two, therefore making the worry smaller. I don’t think that happened, but it was important nevertheless for me to say it out loud, to share it. Because what I know to be true, is that a worry in your head doubles, triples and quadruples. Every now and then I get lost in my head, in my worries and that is when my amazing other half usually says to me: “What is it? Tell me what is in your head.”

I have these walls, that need to be broken down. I do need to tell someone what is going on – what is in my head. I get these bursts of feelings and these messy thoughts and I don’t know if I’ll ever get to the core of them, but I do know this:

Life is black and white. My life is full of black and white. I have had it rough. I have had these extremely depressing black moments, where all the joy is sucked out of me – for a moment. But then again I have all this white. I am so lucky and privileged for being able to be where I am and do what I do. I shouldn’t complain. I have it good. I have so many moments where all I feel is joy, where everything is possible. But it’s not about picking either one of these – it’s both.

And it’s not about reasoning either. Anxiety or depression doesn’t reason.

I guess I’m balancing somewhere, where you can’t balance. I’m having this negativity and anxiety and I’m screaming at myself: stop it! You’ve gone through this once. You’ve survived it already. You’ve survived it.

And I think that is where I stumble. You see, well, it’s not that simple.

You just have to take life as it comes.
Even those dark moments.

I still mean it when I say that you can do a full recovery (from depression). But that doesn’t mean you’ll never have those painful feelings again.

I felt very inspired after watching Yoga Maris’ Netflix documentary. In that film Maris, anorexia survivor, speaks about recovery. She says that life with mental illness will never be perfect, but it will be good.

And while I kind of agree, I still think my life is better now than it was. I don’t know what perfect is, so I don’t think I’m even trying to get there. A good life. That sounds perfect, to be honest. And maybe it is. Even with the black moments. Even though it feels so difficult at times. It’s difficult to have that black, to let it be.

They are just moments and feelings and they pass, but they know how to grab me. And suddenly I’m lost.

And I always wonder – where does it come from? Am I a depressed soul, that just gets these moments? Am I just melancholic? Is some form of depression and anxiety and sadness just programmed into my core? Do other people feel like this?

Anxiety – it doesn’t make sense. I guess that’s the recovery part. Learning how to deal with those dark lingering moments. Or how to suffer through them.

I guess what I’m really saying is that I don’t always know. I know just enough so that I speak up and acknowledge what is happening, but I don’t know what to do. I just cry ugly cry and hope it doesn’t the last the whole day, or week.

Saying it out loud is scarier than I thought. I feel a lump in my throat, even though I woke up to a white day. It’s hard to explain anxiety. I wish I could end this text with pure winning and some explosion of happiness. But that’s not what this text is all about. Because I’m still a work in progress. Perhaps will be for the rest of my life?

And that’s okay.

Photos – Mia / Beauty Highlights

My body is written with scars

scars on my body stretch marks positivity

I don’t need to cover my stretch marks in glitter to celebrate them. They already tell me a story of a young girl growing up and becoming her own person. They remind me, that beautiful is imperfect. They remind me, that skin, is just skin.

 

This morning I woke up with a nice tan. Perfect, really. It’s almost as if I’ve been to a beach holiday for a week and managed to get the most even tan ever, without the dryness. And yes, obviously my color is from a self tanner. I’ve been trying out a new one that I really like.

But that’s not the point of this post – just a nice detail (I’ll tell you about the product at the end of this post).

I woke up with the tan and I realized that it made my stretch marks really stand out. A real tan does that as well, mind you. The skin on my scars is lighter, smoother and different and that makes them stand out especially when I tan.

I was reminded, that I’m actually full of those scars. And when I say full, I mean full. That might surprise you – even though I’m normal weight or skinny in some standards, and have never really been much bigger than this, I still have stretch marks.

And since it’s the bikini season and there are so many women and men being insecure about their bodies and imperfections, I wanted to talk a little about #scarpositivity.

 

body positivity

Stretch marks are just skin

I have stretch marks on my back, on my hips, on my butt, thighs, shins, arms and boobs. My body is full of them, especially the womenly parts. I got them when puberty hit me and I think one of the reasons I got so much of them was because puberty hit me hard. I grew up quick, literally. After anorexia and other eating disorders, suddenly my body went from very thin to normal. I’m pretty sure my eating disorder prevented me from growing up gradually (if that makes sense?) and when I finally started eating better, my body could change.

My post on eating disorders: Living with the monster

And then again, I think I’m just one of those people who get stretch marks easily. The scars on my back came when I was very young, before puberty. I remember my school doctor looking at my back and saying, that usually only boys get those linear scars. A comment that a young girl doesn’t necessarily want to hear, mind you.

But here I am. With my scars. And you know what? I don’t mind them. At all. (Okay okay, there are moments where the scars on my inner thighs slightly upset me.)

 

mental health

I’m not ashamed of them. I’m not appalled by them. I might actually feel a little empowered by them. I don’t need to cover my stretch marks in glitter to celebrate them. They already tell me a story of a young girl growing up and becoming her own person. They remind me, that beautiful is imperfect. They remind me, that skin, is just skin.

And yes – when they were bright red, in my teens, they were the most horrible thing in the world. They were red. They were visible, if I was wearing an open top. I was angry.  I was finally becoming a woman, but at what cost? I was a red-striped zebra – definitely not something I signed in for.

Stretch marks are just skin

But here I am and I’m okay. They turned out to be just skin (who would have guessed?). They got lighter. They became my skin. They are not visible, not really. Only if you know to look for them.

And I’m not sure why, but I feel calm and reassured now. The marks on my body, they didn’t matter. They didn’t prevent me from living my life.

So whatever is on my mind now, stressing me out or making me feel ugly – I’m pretty sure in ten years from now, it won’t matter. Or if it does, it’s only making me stronger.

I guess I just really wanted to say, that stretch marks and scars are normal. They are just skin. I have lots of them and I’m pretty sure if I ever got pregnant I would have a ton more. They could upset me for a while, after which I would accept them and move on.

Loving your own body and skin – now there’s a beautiful thing to remember and cherish.

 

minetan violet self tan 1 hour tan

minetan Super Dark Violet 1 Hour Express Tan review

I got gifted this product from lookfantastic. *adlink

The self-tanner I used was *minetan’s  1 hour express tan in the shade Super Dark Violet. I’m not sure if the color really matters (there are different options), because the active ingredient is your basic DHA. I really like this self tanner. It’s easy to apply with a mitt, it blends easily and dries quickly. That’s one of the benefits of a foam – they are the lightest option when it comes to skin feel. It gives a natural looking tan, that is not orange.  It lasts pretty well on my skin and wears off gradually, which is a good thing as well. I also used the *minetan mitt, which made the application process smooth. I really recommend using some mitt, that way you don’t have to worry about orange hands.

 

 

 

 

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