Fatherless

 

brave

I waited for you on my birthday. Even if the house was already full of people, people who were there on other days as well. You had promised to come. Finally you did – leaving my present in our mailbox. Not even bothering to drop it at our door. The present was a pink digital watch. You didn’t know I couldn’t yet read digital numbers.

I have a hard time understanding you did your best, that you simply couldn’t bear come inside.

But I couldn’t bear losing you and I think that should have mattered more.

I have grown into a strong, amazing woman. But not the easy way. I know that at the end of the day it’s for the best, that I have become who I am because of everything. But boy, would I have preferred the easy way.

I know things would have been different, if I had just one healthy, balanced parent. You knew I didn’t, yet you left anyway.

I always had a hard time believing you still cared and loved, that you simply couldn’t bear to show it in any shape or form.

Now I know you don’t.

You laughed and suggested turning to alcohol, when you heard I was in the hospital. It would have been funny, if I wasn’t healing from my attempt at a suicide.

You couldn’t care less of the letter from child welfare.

You moved. You had an extra room. Not for your old kids, no – but for the new ones, ones who weren’t even related to you.

You didn’t buy a car big enough for us, but you used your pick-up truck as we were old tools you could just throw at the trunk.

I wasn’t invited to your wedding. I learned you had chosen a new family by the portrait on your shelf.

I found out I have a little brother by seeing a picture of a baby on your computer.

You turned your back, countless times when I needed you. It would have been all the same, if you weren’t my last resort. Asking you for anything was always humiliating, you made it so.

It’s hard to have respect for a man who didn’t put their children first. I don’t have to wonder whether you tell other people about us. I saw the surprised looks on the faces of your friends, when they saw us – all five of us. In your life we don’t exist.

I know you went through difficult times that shook you to your core. You never deserved to experience that kind of pain at such a young age. I’m truly sorry for that. But you can blame your past only so long. When you decided to create life in this life – that should have been more sacred. That was your cue to be a better man.

I know. Because you always have a choice, to choose differently.

It’s easier to get depressed. It’s easier to be cold. It would be so easy to be angry and tired all the time. To fill my empty existence with money. To base my life’s purposes on numbers and a big house, on bragging about a big salary and a huge boat.

But that’s not the kind of life I want to live. That’s not me. I know that there is a burning sun inside of me. I know I have so much love to give, even if I didn’t get much to begin with. And give it I will.

It would be fine to tell you that I have always been my own biggest support. That I have made it all by myself. That I’m a strong independent woman all by my own doing. But I can’t take credit for that. I have had people around me that have done their best to lift me up, to encourage, to shake when needed.

And I’m still sensitive and shy at times. Most of the time I’m convinced I’m broken in some way. I’m still healing and it’s frustrating to ache.

I always wondered, do other people feel things as strongly all the time as I do? Do they think a million things all at the same time like I do? Do they see the colors of the sky, even if it was raining? Do they sense the feelings of other people like I do? Do they ever dwell on the past?

lifestyle

I used to wait for a message from you. So many times in my dreams you held me in your arms, remorse in your eyes, saying you’re sorry. So many times in my dreams did you say you were proud of me. So many times I shouted at you, told you all of this, only to wake up with tears in my eyes.

Finding it so hard to forgive you.

But I want to.

It’s too tiring to hold on to hope, when you’re the only one holding on.

I guess you were never meant to be in my life. And I will never be in yours. I have survived 26 years without your encouragement, without your smile, without your signature on a student loan. I will do fine with another 26, or a hundred.

I’m starting to understand you just don’t belong in my story. I was strong enough without you.

I don’t even have to be the strongest and greatest of them all. That’s your style.

I’m fine with being good enough for myself. I’m fine now. And I think I’m finally ready to let go.

So I’m letting go of the anger, the pain, the sadness and hope. I’m giving away my wishes and dreams of you, I’m throwing away the power of them.

But my love for you I will never let go, for it lies so deep in me, I’m sure it was written in me before my existence.

 

Maybe I’m not yet perfectly fine, fatherless.
But I know I will be.

 

Most of the photos taken by Inka Lahteenaro.

Botox for headaches and migraines?

 

botox for migraine headache migreeni päänsärky

In a collaboration with Ebeling dentists
/ treatment gifted

 

I’ll never forget my first migraine. I puked, suffered the worst headache I’ve ever experienced and felt horrible for three days straight. These were my migraines as a child.

As I got older, my migraines turned less severe. They usually lasted only for a day. But even that one day was torture. The next day after my migraine I always felt reborn and amazing. Just because the contrast between being in migraine versus feeling normal was huge.

Anyone who’s experienced migraines probably gets what I’m talking about.

Botox for migraine and headache

I’m very lucky, because nowadays my migraines are very mild. I don’t know what has happened, but I’m not complaining. I only get headache that is nowhere near as bad as it could be. It’s been several years since I last had a proper migraine (though the possibility and fear of having one never really leaves you).

As you might know, I take botox for bruxism and it’s been a tremendous help. Bruxism can also cause headaches and it’s weird, how it shows up in different parts of the body – not only the jaw area.

Headaches are still something I get occasionally. I also sometimes get this migraine-like pain around my eyes, so I was eager to try botox. Another big thing is that I frown a lot. I do it constantly. I also frown when it’s sunny or bright outside. Frowning can cause headache too. Obviously it also causes wrinkles and can make you look a bit angry. Some take botox just for this reason and I understand that.

Lifting your eyebrows a lot can also cause headaches and horizontal lines on the forehead.

On my latest appointment my dentist Sakari Ebeling injected botox on my jaw, temples (those are the ‘regular areas’), neck and between my brows. Where the botox is injected is always personal so these areas and the amount vary depending on the person.

My dentist Sakari Ebeling said this about treating migraine with botox:

“We’ve got good results with botulin toxin for patients that suffer from migraine. The migraine episodes are milder, they are less frequent and they can even stay away. Patients have also received good results for bruxism or tension headaches. When treating migraine, the typical areas which are injected are the muscles on the temples, forehead, between brows and muscles on the base of the skull. It must be taken into account though, that the results vary and not everyone necessary get the help they hope to get.”

 

Before & after botox for frown lines

botox for frown lines before and after

I noticed a change in my frown lines about a week after taking botox. I couldn’t frown as hard as I used to. I was shocked to see how well it has worked and these photos also explain why botox in the jaw works so well. The muscles simply can’t work as hard as they used to, therefore you can’t clench your teeth together as much and therefore there is less pain and problems.

 

How long does the effect last?

The time between my appointments this time was nine months. That’s a long time, because there’s no promise as to how long the effect lasts. It’s usually around 3-6 months. The results tend to get better with second appointment, since the symptoms have not gotten as bad as before. At least in my experience that has happened, because on my first time, the result lasted for 4 months, but after that it’s been 6-9 months. I can’t say if I’ve seen some long term improvement, but it sure feels like that.

As always, I’m happy with my results. If you want to read more about my experience with taking botox for bruxism, I recommend reading my earlier posts (here and here). My dentist also answered some questions there!

If you would like to try botulin treatment, I got a discount for you. When taking the treatment for bruxism (399€), extra areas are 50€/per area (normally 100€). You can take it for example on your forehead, on your frown lines or back of the skull. For aesthetic botulin treatment only, you can get it for 99€ per area (normally 199€). You can only use the discount once.

 

Info & booking
Ebeling hammaslääkärit

 

Have you tried botox for either bruxism or frown lines?

P.S. This makeup look can be found on my IG highlights – it was one of the #fullfacefriday tutorials!

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