Fatherless

 

brave

I waited for you on my birthday. Even if the house was already full of people, people who were there on other days as well. You had promised to come. Finally you did – leaving my present in our mailbox. Not even bothering to drop it at our door. The present was a pink digital watch. You didn’t know I couldn’t yet read digital numbers.

I have a hard time understanding you did your best, that you simply couldn’t bear come inside.

But I couldn’t bear losing you and I think that should have mattered more.

I have grown into a strong, amazing woman. But not the easy way. I know that at the end of the day it’s for the best, that I have become who I am because of everything. But boy, would I have preferred the easy way.

I know things would have been different, if I had just one healthy, balanced parent. You knew I didn’t, yet you left anyway.

I always had a hard time believing you still cared and loved, that you simply couldn’t bear to show it in any shape or form.

Now I know you don’t.

You laughed and suggested turning to alcohol, when you heard I was in the hospital. It would have been funny, if I wasn’t healing from my attempt at a suicide.

You couldn’t care less of the letter from child welfare.

You moved. You had an extra room. Not for your old kids, no – but for the new ones, ones who weren’t even related to you.

You didn’t buy a car big enough for us, but you used your pick-up truck as we were old tools you could just throw at the trunk.

I wasn’t invited to your wedding. I learned you had chosen a new family by the portrait on your shelf.

I found out I have a little brother by seeing a picture of a baby on your computer.

You turned your back, countless times when I needed you. It would have been all the same, if you weren’t my last resort. Asking you for anything was always humiliating, you made it so.

It’s hard to have respect for a man who didn’t put their children first. I don’t have to wonder whether you tell other people about us. I saw the surprised looks on the faces of your friends, when they saw us – all five of us. In your life we don’t exist.

I know you went through difficult times that shook you to your core. You never deserved to experience that kind of pain at such a young age. I’m truly sorry for that. But you can blame your past only so long. When you decided to create life in this life – that should have been more sacred. That was your cue to be a better man.

I know. Because you always have a choice, to choose differently.

It’s easier to get depressed. It’s easier to be cold. It would be so easy to be angry and tired all the time. To fill my empty existence with money. To base my life’s purposes on numbers and a big house, on bragging about a big salary and a huge boat.

But that’s not the kind of life I want to live. That’s not me. I know that there is a burning sun inside of me. I know I have so much love to give, even if I didn’t get much to begin with. And give it I will.

It would be fine to tell you that I have always been my own biggest support. That I have made it all by myself. That I’m a strong independent woman all by my own doing. But I can’t take credit for that. I have had people around me that have done their best to lift me up, to encourage, to shake when needed.

And I’m still sensitive and shy at times. Most of the time I’m convinced I’m broken in some way. I’m still healing and it’s frustrating to ache.

I always wondered, do other people feel things as strongly all the time as I do? Do they think a million things all at the same time like I do? Do they see the colors of the sky, even if it was raining? Do they sense the feelings of other people like I do? Do they ever dwell on the past?

lifestyle

I used to wait for a message from you. So many times in my dreams you held me in your arms, remorse in your eyes, saying you’re sorry. So many times in my dreams did you say you were proud of me. So many times I shouted at you, told you all of this, only to wake up with tears in my eyes.

Finding it so hard to forgive you.

But I want to.

It’s too tiring to hold on to hope, when you’re the only one holding on.

I guess you were never meant to be in my life. And I will never be in yours. I have survived 26 years without your encouragement, without your smile, without your signature on a student loan. I will do fine with another 26, or a hundred.

I’m starting to understand you just don’t belong in my story. I was strong enough without you.

I don’t even have to be the strongest and greatest of them all. That’s your style.

I’m fine with being good enough for myself. I’m fine now. And I think I’m finally ready to let go.

So I’m letting go of the anger, the pain, the sadness and hope. I’m giving away my wishes and dreams of you, I’m throwing away the power of them.

But my love for you I will never let go, for it lies so deep in me, I’m sure it was written in me before my existence.

 

Maybe I’m not yet perfectly fine, fatherless.
But I know I will be.

 

Most of the photos taken by Inka Lahteenaro.

Jewelry with meaning – Rellery

beautiful gold jewelry rellery

pretty jewelry charlotta

Ad: Rellery

 

Jewelry has always meant more to me than just beautiful things to wear. Most of my necklaces and earrings have a story. They’re personal and remind me of the important people around me, about certain happy memories and they represent my personality.

I want my jewelry pretty and high-quality, which is why I’m over the moon about this collaboration.

Rellery has beautiful, unique jewelry, which you can personalize to make one-of-a-kind. You’re special, so why not choose special jewelry as well?

bead chain bracelet personalized rellery

Pretty & high-quality jewelry from Rellery

Material matters. I’m allergic to nickel, which is why I stopped using anything other than silver or gold a long time ago. *Rellery uses sterling silver, 14K solid gold or gold plated over sterling silver. Their jewelry looks and feels durable.

Every piece comes with a tarnish guarantee: if your jewelry gets tarnished, you can send it back to be cleaned or replaced.

Personalized jewelry – making the pieces even more meaningful

Rellery offers *necklaces, bracelets and rings, that you can personalize. Just choose your own engraving and the font style. Even the *engraved pieces have fair prices and they don’t cost extra (unless you choose some extra charm, for example). The jewelry comes in pretty gift packaging, which you can use to store your treasures. The Rellery pouch and polishing cloth are handy (and okay, cute).

Let me tell you about my favorite pieces, which I have absolutely fallen in love with! I chose the gold plated ones, as I feel like gold is the best color on me.

charlotta eve necklace rellery

Zodiac necklaces – Leo pendant

“Everyday reminder of your star power”, says the site. I love that. I think horoscopes are interesting and fun – and often weirdly quite on point. I like to think of lion as my power animal. I’m strong, fierce and confident when need to be. I’m also warm-hearted and very loyal. I’m sure most of us relate to their horoscopes and the characteristics of their star sign.

*Zodiac necklaces

gold jewelery worn on backside

Cuban Link Bar Necklace – with personalized engraving

I chose the text “Charlotta Eve” in my bar necklace, to represent my brand and blog. I wanted it to remind me of all the hard work I’ve already put in this blog, not to talk about this particular collab. It feels like a dream come through to be working with Rellery, a brand that values the same things I do. Ethically sourced meaningful jewelry is exactly the kind of jewelry I want to showcase here.

I wanted to be able to wear my brand name proudly, because too often as a blogger I belittle myself. It’s okay to be proud of yourself. Being able to express myself on my own platform is really important to me. All in all, this piece feels very personal.

*Cuban Link Bar Necklace

*Bar necklace

rellery bracelet personalized

Bead chain – double mini disks

When I turned 25, Risto gave me a gold necklace. You can only see the text, when you look at the piece closely, but it says: “you & me.”  The style of the necklace happened to be perfectly to my liking, but the meaning behind that text is even more important. I like to think that my relationship is the best team I’ve ever been a part of. As a team, we always have each others back. We make sure to talk, hug and say “I love you” every day. That’s the secret to our happiness, as we celebrate our eight year together.

When I noticed this bead chain bracelet, I knew I wanted to personalize it with our letters. There’s the option for heart disks, but I liked that these round disks were a bit more inconspicuous (just like the necklace from him is).

*Bead chain with double mini disks

 

Pearl earrings & pearl choker

I wanted to get a few different pieces, that would look nice together, but also work on their own. The pearl choker and pearl earrings made a nice set.

 

The pearl choker has an adjustable chain, so you can wear it as a choker or a bit more loosely. I love that, because even though I like how chokers look, I always feel like suffocating when wearing one. This is the perfect size. It’s a bit shorter so it looks nice with other necklaces, but not too short to feel tight around my neck.

*Pearl choker

gold pearl earring and necklace rellery charlotta

The pearl threader earrings are gorgeous. They are exactly what I have been looking for all these years. I don’t like heavy earrings or anything that looks too much. These earrings are genius. They are feather light and graceful, yet they act as statement earrings in my books.

*Pearl threader earrings

*Earrings

I love my gold pieces. Wearing beautiful things makes me feel elevated. I’m letting myself shine – even on yet another Monday in this worldwide pandemic.

 

Check out the full selection of *Rellery and find your unique pieces!

Does your jewelry have meaning to you?

 

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