Weeks are flying by and there are only about 90 days left of my pregnancy. Even now at times it feels crazy that I’m pregnant. But the baby is kicking a lot and I physically feel her existence. So compared to the first trimester, it does feel more concrete that we’re having a baby.
Oh and that’s right – she’s a girl! I mean, a girl as far as we know. You can never be sure. We call her Little E.
I’ve been mostly feeling really fine. I can eat, exercise (lightly), I sleep well and I feel positive. Experiencing that horrible first trimester has surely done its part in how much I appreciate this good feeling. I’m not taking it for granted. Actually – in some moments, where I have sudden nausea or I’m very tired, I’m scared I will go back to being a ghost. But so far that hasn’t happened.
Throughout my pregnancy I’ve felt quite calm and positive. Even though the journey here was tough and I really felt anxious and depressed at times, I’m happy those feelings retreated as soon as I knew I was really pregnant. And I’ve been able to trust my pregnancy. As I wrote on the first post publishing my pregnancy: it must be our time now. And it still does feel like that. We’re meant to have this baby girl we already love so much.
And I can’t believe I haven’t figured this out before, but me feeling calm and positive is partly because of the difficult start for this. When we were trying for a baby, my moods were a constant rollercoaster. So it’s no wonder I now feel more stabilized. I was so broken at times it’s hard to understand. Because all I wanted was this. Now that I’m here, that wound has started healing really fast. All the heartbreak, the longing, sadness, hopelessness and misery somehow were left before the time I did the positive pregnancy test. I know a lot of people who go through infertility are unable to enjoy or trust their pregnancy, and I understand that so well. But maybe it’s nice to know it can go the other way around as well?
If I had gotten pregnant easily, who knows how I would feel. Maybe more emotional, because obviously there is lots of emotion in this process. And at times I feel sensitive or suddenly irritated (mostly when my mittens fall from the top shelf and it’s hard to reach there). Then again, I feel like all my life I’ve lived my life feeling every feeling with every inch of my soul.
Meeting my sister’s newborn has also made everything more real. Holding him and and thinking about getting our girl in our arms makes me tear up. A lot of times when I think of our baby my heart feels like it’s gonna explode. How can you already have so much love for someone, who you haven’t even met? How you just want to hold her, take care of her and watch her grow. How lucky am I, getting to be a mom to our child?
Sometimes when both Risto and me feel her kicks a tear escapes from my eye.
And then there’s the fears. But those are smaller. I know it’s a huge task, a huge change. But I guess wanting it for a long time and picturing it in your mind, you kind of wait even the struggles. The sleepless nights, where the first cup of coffee probably feels like a life line. The insecurity of not knowing what to do, but then learning and growing. I know I will grow to this role.
Fear of birth
I’ve also been dealing with the fear of giving birth. I didn’t even realize how much I actually had fears, how negatively I was going into thinking about the whole thing, until I talked about it to my nurse. My nurse recommended a book for me ‘Kun synnytys pelottaa’ (in English: when giving birth scares you) that really opened my eyes. I understood where my fears have come from (hello childhood traumas and infertility that made me not trust my body). Now I feel like in a short time my fears have decreased a lot. I’ve started to think about giving birth in a more positive way and be more reasonable about it. After all, most births go well and I know I can get the best possible treatment here. But yes, this is still something I have to work on – mentally prepare myself for it.
An actual baby coming to our life
Recently my bump has grown a lot and it’s becoming more apparent that I’m pregnant. It’s a funny feeling, having other people, strangers included, know I’m pregnant by looking at me. It’s no longer my secret. The bump is only gonna grow bigger from now on and I will become slower (and it’s making me slightly nervous), so we’ll see how I feel in a few weeks about this.
However, I still feel fairly comfortable and good in my body. Though at times the baby is really weighing on my bladder. And throughout the day I feel a pressure really low on my belly, when she moves and pushes into that direction. I also sometimes bump into our sink or a table when I’m reaching for things and can’t remember my size, but so far that has only felt amusing.
I’ve been very lucky with the unwanted symptoms, but I can still list a few that manage to irritate me a bit:
- A stuffy nose.
It’s the most infuriating in the early morning hours, when it’s making breathing and sleeping difficult. And when I blow my nose in the morning, it’s just dried blood coming out (Yuck! TMI! Sorry!).
It’s not everyday and it’s not really bad, but it’s still out there. I definitely feel it more now that the baby is taking up more room. Luckily medicine helps.
- I’m thirsty + I need to pee constantly.
Thirst is something I’ve felt since the very beginning. And also kind of the constant peeing as well, but it has gotten worse. As I mentioned, the baby is really weighing on my bladder.
- Itchy skin.
This I’ve had for longer, but I haven’t complained about it yet out loud. My skin is stretching particularly around the bump and breasts and boy does it itch! I’ve never been this good with oiling my body. I apply oil every single evening. It helps a bit, luckily. I use Weleda’s Stretch Mark Massage Oil.
Overall it has all started to feel really concrete. There’s an actual baby coming to our life. (Not a mouse, which was hard to keep in place, like in my dream.) We picked up the Finnish maternity package, we have washed all the clothes and folded them into, well, right now into a box. My mind is constantly wanting to make our home ready for the baby. We still need a lot of stuff! New furniture, to start off (somewhere to put the clothes). The only thing we have is a stroller. So I guess the next phase is actually buying things and concretely getting ready to have a baby living with us.