I used to be one of those people, who, when seeing a beautiful three-story house and a happy family in it, thought, that it could never be me, laughing and running in that yard.
I was negative in a way, that when I saw a four thousand euro bag in the mall window, I didn’t even dare to dream about it, because I could never own that.
For some reason, I found myself thinking, that where I am now, is where I will always be. That the situation where I am, will always stay the same.
It’s a wrong kind of thought. Because that means, that I could never go forward.
But it’s only human to have those thoughts, and those feelings.
It happens. You find yourself having the same doubts, the same insecurities, day after day. On some days you can silence those thoughts – and you get a glimpse of what could be. But on other days, you need a push outside, to wake you up. And you feel silly for staring at the wall.
It’s hard to see into the future, when your feet are so grounded, almost glued, to present.
You wake up tired, even though you would like to be one of those people, who wake up at 6am, not at all tired, ready to conquer the world.
And what is that, anyway, about conquering the world? Why do we need to conquer that? Isn’t it already conquered?
Can’t I just enjoy the world? I would like to walk on it’s grass, feel it’s heat on my skin and meet it’s people. Yeah, I always think, that I don’t really like people, but I know I’m wrong. I love people. I love how everyone looks different, how everyone laughs different and how everyone has their things. And even when I’m alone, I am comforted by the thought, that I have my closest friends on my Whatsapp.
And now, when I really think of it, with the people I have in my life, I’m exactly where I want to be.
But to get back to accomplishments and things, that sometimes seem so distant and almost impossible to achieve – I’ll say this.
It’s funny, because right now I’m sitting on my computer, writing, in a home, that I share with the love of my life. I get to drink my coffee freshly roasted from the machine, just like I like it, and it’s one of the things, I will never get bored of. And the weirdest thing really – I am an entrepreneur. I know, that if a young Charlotta could see me now, sitting on our balcony, drinking coffee and smiling to the sun, she would be quite amazed. I ended up here, even though that wasn’t meant to be possible. In front of me is my new DIY-project, even though I was supposed to know nothing about crafting..
I know these are just things, and stuff. But we do dream about things, and stuff as well. At least I do and I did. I’m not as perfect, as to only value feelings and reality. Sometimes it’s easier to point out something, by pointing out something physical, such as my makeup station, which is, yet again, another dream come true.
But to not sound as superficial, let me put it this way.
If that was funny, this is crazy.
Because fifteen years ago, I wondered, what life was gonna be like for me. Was it always gonna be as dull, sad and miserable, as I felt inside? Surely, it had to, since that was what was happening right then. Eleven years ago, I sat in the middle of my classmates, and wondered – would I ever be able to create real connections or was my output too foreign for anyone to understand?
It’s crazy, because I still have to pinch myself to really understand that it all turned out okay. No one told me, how cool is it to be adult, to fall in love with yourself as the years go by, and to understand, that it all went, how it was supposed to go. Who knew, that you would drink wine with your best friend from kindergarten, light candles and imagine it’s autumn together, in the middle of the summer. Who knew, that you could love so many people, and that inevitably, they love you right back. You.
This is what I’ve always been waiting for, and here I am now. A while back I went through my wardrobe and bought some new things while putting some things to sale. Today I did some dishes and cleaned up some makeup brushes – and pretty soon I will go take a run in a cloudy, yet warm weather.
An old text reminded me of something today with this sentence: Remember to smile and to love.
I am one of those people, who stops every once in a while to write, and remembers yet again, why it feels so good to play your favorite songs so loud, no one hears you when you sing along.
It only feels natural, to end this text with a quote, that is written on one of the candles, that sits on our balcony:
Happiness is not a destination
It is a way of life
Hair & photos of me by Susanna Pomèll
Coffee photos by me