The perfect package

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happiness is

happiness life

Happiness needs to be chosen every day all over again. You don’t wake up one day, and feel happy for the rest of your life. You don’t all of a sudden love yourself, love your surroundings and feel peace and joy.

It’s a constant battle.  Some days easier – other days so hard, you’re exhausted of even the thought of trying. And you don’t have to. Even the happiest, the most positive person in the world sometimes doubts everything, feels lost and then – makes a choice.

Today I’ve felt a bit lost and unorganized – and I hate that. It’s my favorite season of the year, but it’s combined to the most stressful time of the year too. It’s that time of the year, when I put myself in a glass box up in the air – and examine everything I’ve done this year. And I’m quick to judge. Was I good? Did I do good? Was I… perfect?

I know – I always say how I am not perfect. How it’s okay. But that doesn’t mean, that I don’t have those thoughts, that they wouldn’t slip in my mind. So whenever I’m asking myself questions, that are impossible to answer to even to begin with – I stop and I make a choice. I make a choice not to focus on that thing, not to doubt myself and not to ask too much of myself.

blog lifestyle beauty

I take a few steps, stop and look at my surroundings.

I’m crazy lucky.

And I’m crazy for expecting myself to be a super human sometimes. I’m not – and I don’t even want to be, remember?

I want to be the regular girl I am, to live my life day by day, sometimes morning by morning. One meal at a time, since other days that feels like such a struggle. I mean, if I was filthy rich, would I have a personal chef in my house? Probably. Though to be fair – I’ve learned to cook quite a bit this year (meaning, that I now cook other things than salad too).

But besides the glass box, super powers and salads – I did have a point in this text, or at least some more sentences for you to read.

Remember this: Happiness needs to be chosen every day all over again. And it’s not always about feeling joy. It’s also about being patient with yourself – to cut some slack and being realistic with your life.

And if that means a one day of self-doubt, anxiety and tiredness – so be it. They might not be the best feelings in the world, but they are yours and they come with the package. The one package, that life has perfected for you.

All you need to do is choose to pick it up.

happiness charlotta eve

photos Tiia Ennala

How is your life at the moment? I hope there’s not too much Christmas-stress?

Also – since we’re talking about Christmas packages – have you already participated in the giveaway on my facebook page? (For everyone living in Finland.)

The last time I went to psychotherapy

psychotherapy for depression

I remember the last time I went to my psychotherapy. I remember it better, than I did any of the other hundred times I sat on that bench and talked. And cried. I cried a lot.

I don’t remember everything we talked about, but I do remember some minutes. A few details, that stuck in my mind and will probably stay there as important moments forever.

The last time I went to therapy. That was the time – for the first time ever really – that I truly and purely cried from happiness. My therapist was always super professional, the best therapist I could hope for. She never showed emotion, cried with me or did anything else, that would have been uncanny. But for a second there, I swear I saw her eyes water just a tiny bit.

Happiness and sadness – they are not the opposites. Pain and joy walk hand in hand through the twisted roads, through the dark forests and into the blue waters. There can’t be one without the other. I had pain, but somehow that pain had transformed into raw, imminent and imperfect happiness.

We had several different lessons during my therapy. But the final lesson, the final assignment is what I remember the best. It went as follows: Picture yourself as a young girl, sitting under a tree. If you had a chance to go there right now, what would you say to that little girl, to yourself?

And I wanted to say everything. I wanted to hold the girl in my arms and brush her tangled hair. I wanted to lull her to sleep, and tell her that there were no monsters in this world.

I wanted to tell her, that she turned out to be a master piece. That the little bruises and cracks suited it perfectly, and that no one even saw them. And that her world turned out beautiful and good. And that she would have so much, that it couldn’t all be listed.

And I wanted to assure her, that she was perfect. That she was enough – more than enough. And I don’t know if she would have got scared, if I told her that I was her. That she should look at me – how I survived and I was standing there now.

When I finally opened my mouth to say something, she turned to face me and looked straight into the familiar eyes. And I didn’t have to say a word, when we just sat there, quiet and in peace.

And that’s when I smiled, cried and knew, that I would get through anything, that life would give me. 

Psychotherapy was (besides some other things) one of the most important things to help me battle depression. No one else can give you tools and help to depression, as professionals do (=psychotherapists, psychologists or psychiatrists). You’ll never read a post from this blog, where I tell you how to work out your depression – I am not your guru and I will never become one. I can only talk about my own experience, share my thoughts and tell you, that I do believe in getting better. I read a great column (in Finnish, by Maaret Kallio) a while back, which title kinda says it all: “When your mind is broken, you shouldn’t seek help from the powers of the universe or healing hands – Even a smart person can stray to easy promises.”

The next question might be a bit personal, but feel free to share if you want to; Have you gone to therapy?