Yet I am here

lifestyle blog

I used to be one of those people, who, when seeing a beautiful three-story house and a happy family in it, thought, that it could never be me, laughing and running in that yard.

I was negative in a way, that when I saw a four thousand euro bag in the mall window, I didn’t even dare to dream about it, because I could never own that.

For some reason, I found myself thinking, that where I am now, is where I will always be. That the situation where I am, will always stay the same.

It’s a wrong kind of thought. Because that means, that I could never go forward.

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But it’s only human to have those thoughts, and those feelings.

It happens. You find yourself having the same doubts, the same insecurities, day after day. On some days you can silence those thoughts – and you get a glimpse of what could be. But on other days, you need a push outside, to wake you up. And you feel silly for staring at the wall.

It’s hard to see into the future, when your feet are so grounded, almost glued, to present.
You wake up tired, even though you would like to be one of those people, who wake up at 6am, not at all tired, ready to conquer the world.

And what is that, anyway, about conquering the world? Why do we need to conquer that? Isn’t it already conquered?

Can’t I just enjoy the world? I would like to walk on it’s grass, feel it’s heat on my skin and meet it’s people. Yeah, I always think, that I don’t really like people, but I know I’m wrong. I love people. I love how everyone looks different, how everyone laughs different and how everyone has their things. And even when I’m alone, I am comforted by the thought, that I have my closest friends on my Whatsapp.

And now, when I really think of it, with the people I have in my life, I’m exactly where I want to be.

space buns blonde hair

But to get back to accomplishments and things, that sometimes seem so distant and almost impossible to achieve – I’ll say this.

It’s funny.

It’s funny, because right now I’m sitting on my computer, writing, in a home, that I share with the love of my life. I get to drink my coffee freshly roasted from the machine, just like I like it, and it’s one of the things, I will never get bored of. And the weirdest thing really – I am an entrepreneur. I know, that if a young Charlotta could see me now, sitting on our balcony, drinking coffee and smiling to the sun, she would be quite amazed. I ended up here, even though that wasn’t meant to be possible. In front of me is my new DIY-project, even though I was supposed to know nothing about crafting..

I know these are just things, and stuff. But we do dream about things, and stuff as well. At least I do and I did. I’m not as perfect, as to only value feelings and reality. Sometimes it’s easier to point out something, by pointing out something physical, such as my makeup station, which is, yet again, another dream come true.

But to not sound as superficial, let me put it this way.

If that was funny, this is crazy.

Because fifteen years ago, I wondered, what life was gonna be like for me. Was it always gonna be as dull, sad and miserable, as I felt inside? Surely, it had to, since that was what was happening right then. Eleven years ago, I sat in the middle of my classmates, and wondered – would I ever be able to create real connections or was my output too foreign for anyone to understand?

It’s crazy, because I still have to pinch myself to really understand that it all turned out okay. No one told me, how cool is it to be adult, to fall in love with yourself as the years go by, and to understand, that it all went, how it was supposed to go. Who knew, that you would drink wine with your best friend from kindergarten, light candles and imagine it’s autumn together, in the middle of the summer. Who knew, that you could love so many people, and that inevitably, they love you right back. You.

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This is what I’ve always been waiting for, and here I am now. A while back I went through my wardrobe and bought some new things while putting some things to sale. Today I did some dishes and cleaned up some makeup brushes –  and pretty soon I will go take a run in a cloudy, yet warm weather.

An old text reminded me of something today with this sentence: Remember to smile and to love.

I am one of those people, who stops every once in a while to write, and remembers yet again, why it feels so good to play your favorite songs so loud, no one hears you when you sing along.

It only feels natural, to end this text with a quote, that is written on one of the candles, that sits on our balcony:

Happiness is not a destination
It is a way of life

charlotta eve blog

Hair & photos of me by Susanna Pomèll
Coffee photos by me

Five years from depression


Around the time I’m publishing this post, I’m in the northern Lapland, enjoying the Finnish nature at it’s best. I’m quite possibly very relaxed, full of mosquito bites (or not, if the new machine works), happy and most of all – amazed at the beauty of everything.

Not just amazed that I get to live those nightless nights or hear the rain dripping on the pine trees, but just the fact, that I’m there and I get to have those feelings.

Precisely one year ago, I published the most personal blog post I have ever written: I wave you good bye, not farewell. I told you, that I had battled with severe depression and suicidal thoughts. I even told you, that I had spent some time behind closed doors. Hah, that is the one thing, that makes me a bit shocked today. Did I really tell you that? What if someone thought, that I was crazy because of that?

depression wellbeing

But after all, you would go to the hospital, if you had your foot broken. My mind was shattered and needed repairing. And the fact, that I was scared of someone thinking that I was crazy – all the more reason to write about it.

Because normal people can get sick. It’s normal to get sick mentally as well. Old people can get sick. Young people can get sick too.

No one is perfect. No one gets through life without any scars. We like to show our best sides and think of some things as taboo. Maybe we sometimes forget, that it’s okay to be flawed? Or maybe we say that, but don’t apply it to ourselves?

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I like to think, that I am successful, honest, fun and altogether a pretty amazing person. I’m also annoying at times, I sometimes cry like the skies were falling on me and I say things, that I don’t mean. I judge and I love. I sometimes live perfectly balanced life with just the right amount of sleep, food, work and play. I exercise and I see my friends. And then again, there are weeks, where I work too much, eat too much and see none of my friends.

I’m not even sure where I’m going with this right now, but I guess I like to think, that we are more alike than you’d think. After I published that post, I got lots of messages from you, which only proved me right. Normal, amazing people sent me messages and told me about their depression. And how they’ve overcome that.

depression my story

It’s okay to speak up.

Talking about mental health and depression is important. Maybe at some point we’ll be able to talk about it, just like any other sicknesses. We’re all just trying to survive this life, after all. Be it dirty laundry, a nice weekend at Cuba, or having a mental breakdown. It’s not like none of us have never stumbled, is it?

Well, I’m all about stumbling. Stumbling and rolling in the mud. Falling and breaking bones. I’m also all about standing up, keeping my head held high and going forward.

It’s been about five years from my depression, but it feels like ten. Like it was ages ago.

I don’t think about my depression as a huge burden. I don’t think about it much, anyway. But sometimes, I do think about it. After all, it’s a part of me. It’s something I went through and helped shape me into who I am.


There is a question in the air, that I think about every now and then. It’s this:

Can one be truly cured from depression? Totally fine, with zero nothing? All good?

When I think about myself and the hope I carry with me (that I wish to spread around for others as well) my answer is: yes. Yes you can.

But as so many things in life, the yes carries a disappointing, but realistic ‘but’ with it. See? Already so many buts in here.

But, I don’t think the scars with the traces of my depression will ever leave me. The traces are like small echoes in my head and they usually raise their voice in quiet places. It’s the tiny fraction of me, that still wants to lay on the floor, cry itself to sleep and feel sorry for everything.

There are things that remind me of it. There are feelings, that are a little too familiar. There are those scars, that burn a little every time I hear of something similar happening to another person.

There are those bad days, to remind me, that, well, they are not that bad after all.

There are those hospital visits, where the nurses have to ask about it. There are the records, that seem like they are from another person’s life.

So in a way, it still feels like a dream. And then again, it’s there to remind me to keep going.


It’s a super hard thing to explain – I think one has to experience it to understand it. I don’t mean it in a way, that I am forever depressed. Or that I feel like I carry a heavy burden with me all the time. I truly feel – and am – happy.

I understand, that I deserve so much more, than I had ever hoped for. And I recognize life and all it’s beautiful little opportunities. I see it’s colors in grey stormy clouds, I run up it’s hills and I find joy in being able to move that way – and funnily enough, I admit, that I would not change it for anything else.

If anything, I would double my cards with it, throw them in the air and laugh, from the bottom of my heart.

Life – it just doesn’t get old for me. I’m here to stare at the stars – or the sun, at 2am, in Lapland.

mental health

hair & photos Susanna Pomèll

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