Second trimester pregnancy feelings

Weeks are flying by and there are only about 90 days left of my pregnancy. Even now at times it feels crazy that I’m pregnant. But the baby is kicking a lot and I physically feel her existence. So compared to the first trimester, it does feel more concrete that we’re having a baby.

Oh and that’s right – she’s a girl! I mean, a girl as far as we know. You can never be sure. We call her Little E.

second trimester pregnancy toinen kolmannesSecond trimester – overall mood & feelings

I’ve been mostly feeling really fine. I can eat, exercise (lightly), I sleep well and I feel positive. Experiencing that horrible first trimester has surely done its part in how much I appreciate this good feeling. I’m not taking it for granted. Actually – in some moments, where I have sudden nausea or I’m very tired, I’m scared I will go back to being a ghost. But so far that hasn’t happened.

Throughout my pregnancy I’ve felt quite calm and positive. Even though the journey here was tough and I really felt anxious and depressed at times, I’m happy those feelings retreated as soon as I knew I was really pregnant. And I’ve been able to trust my pregnancy. As I wrote on the first post publishing my pregnancy: it must be our time now. And it still does feel like that. We’re meant to have this baby girl we already love so much.

And I can’t believe I haven’t figured this out before, but me feeling calm and positive is partly because of the difficult start for this. When we were trying for a baby, my moods were a constant rollercoaster. So it’s no wonder I now feel more stabilized. I was so broken at times it’s hard to understand. Because all I wanted was this. Now that I’m here, that wound has started healing really fast. All the heartbreak, the longing, sadness, hopelessness and misery somehow were left before the time I did the positive pregnancy test. I know a lot of people who go through infertility are unable to enjoy or trust their pregnancy, and I understand that so well. But maybe it’s nice to know it can go the other way around as well?

If I had gotten pregnant easily, who knows how I would feel. Maybe more emotional, because obviously there is lots of emotion in this process. And at times I feel sensitive or suddenly irritated (mostly when my mittens fall from the top shelf and it’s hard to reach there). Then again, I feel like all my life I’ve lived my life feeling every feeling with every inch of my soul.

week 24 and 25 bump raskausviikot
Week 24 & week 25 bump.

Meeting my sister’s newborn has also made everything more real. Holding him and and thinking about getting our girl in our arms makes me tear up. A lot of times when I think of our baby my heart feels like it’s gonna explode. How can you already have so much love for someone, who you haven’t even met? How you just want to hold her, take care of her and watch her grow. How lucky am I, getting to be a mom to our child?

Sometimes when both Risto and me feel her kicks a tear escapes from my eye.

And then there’s the fears. But those are smaller. I know it’s a huge task, a huge change. But I guess wanting it for a long time and picturing it in your mind, you kind of wait even the struggles. The sleepless nights, where the first cup of coffee probably feels like a life line. The insecurity of not knowing what to do, but then learning and growing. I know I will grow to this role.

Fear of birth

I’ve also been dealing with the fear of giving birth. I didn’t even realize how much I actually had fears, how negatively I was going into thinking about the whole thing, until I talked about it to my nurse. My nurse recommended a book for me ‘Kun synnytys pelottaa’ (in English: when giving birth scares you) that really opened my eyes. I understood where my fears have come from (hello childhood traumas and infertility that made me not trust my body). Now I feel like in a short time my fears have decreased a lot. I’ve started to think about giving birth in a more positive way and be more reasonable about it. After all, most births go well and I know I can get the best possible treatment here. But yes, this is still something I have to work on – mentally prepare myself for it.

Said goodbye to this jacket, since it can’t fit me closed anymore.
Been wearing Risto’s jacket, that I anyway wanted to steal since the moment he bought it. How convenient that I’ve now HAD to wear it, since I can’t fit into my own jackets.


An actual baby coming to our life

Recently my bump has grown a lot and it’s becoming more apparent that I’m pregnant. It’s a funny feeling, having other people, strangers included, know I’m pregnant by looking at me. It’s no longer my secret. The bump is only gonna grow bigger from now on and I will become slower (and it’s making me slightly nervous), so we’ll see how I feel in a few weeks about this.

However, I still feel fairly comfortable and good in my body. Though at times the baby is really weighing on my bladder. And throughout the day I feel a pressure really low on my belly, when she moves and pushes into that direction. I also sometimes bump into our sink or a table when I’m reaching for things and can’t remember my size, but so far that has only felt amusing.

I’ve been very lucky with the unwanted symptoms, but I can still list a few that manage to irritate me a bit:

  • A stuffy nose.
    It’s the most infuriating in the early morning hours, when it’s making breathing and sleeping difficult. And when I blow my nose in the morning, it’s just dried blood coming out (Yuck! TMI! Sorry!).
  • Heartburn.
    It’s not everyday and it’s not really bad, but it’s still out there. I definitely feel it more now that the baby is taking up more room. Luckily medicine helps.
  • I’m thirsty + I need to pee constantly.
    Thirst is something I’ve felt since the very beginning. And also kind of the constant peeing as well, but it has gotten worse. As I mentioned, the baby is really weighing on my bladder.
  • Itchy skin.
    This I’ve had for longer, but I haven’t complained about it yet out loud. My skin is stretching particularly around the bump and breasts and boy does it itch! I’ve never been this good with oiling my body. I apply oil every single evening. It helps a bit, luckily. I use Weleda’s Stretch Mark Massage Oil.


Overall it has all started to feel really concrete. There’s an actual baby coming to our life. (Not a mouse, which was hard to keep in place, like in my dream.) We picked up the Finnish maternity package, we have washed all the clothes and folded them into, well, right now into a box. My mind is constantly wanting to make our home ready for the baby. We still need a lot of stuff! New furniture, to start off (somewhere to put the clothes). The only thing we have is a stroller. So I guess the next phase is actually buying things and concretely getting ready to have a baby living with us.

So exciting!

pregnancy week 26+4 bump raskausviikko 26+4
My bump at 26+4.

Infertility, ovulation induction & pregnancy

ovulation induction pregnancy

Infertility & ovulation induction 

It feels exhausting to think of the journey I (and we) have gone through to get here. I can’t even begin to tell you how sad, devastated, depressed, angry and hopeless I’ve felt during the time we’ve been trying for a baby. How it felt when I found out at a gynecologist that I have multifollicular ovaries. How shocked I was when she put us in touch with the fertility clinic. Even though I guess I did I have a hunch. After all, we had already been trying for a while. I remember asking her: “Can’t I get pregnant naturally?”, and she answered, “It’s not impossible. But you probably do need some help”.

In that moment I felt like I lost something. I lost the joy of trying, the excitement, the happy chuckle of telling my friends we’re trying. From that point on forward it was just disappointment after disappointment, peeing on a stick to find out if I ovulated, for nothing, bad news month after month.

For a long time I felt like a prisoner in my own body, wrapped in a nightmarish limbo of hope, waiting, disappointment, jealousy, and hopelessness. It’s impossible to be a woman and not feel it – I literally had to live in my body and feel the symptoms of whatever time of the cycle I was living in. Overthinking all the little symptoms. Always waking up to a nightmare of either my periods starting or not starting. I’m not sure which times were worse – the cycles where my periods skipped 1 or 2 months or the ones where they turned out quickly almost on a regular rhythm.


The wait times for all the appointments at the clinic felt like years. Even though they were the best chance at getting pregnant I just felt like my hopes and dreams were slipping away from my fingers. Risto kept reminding me that we were actively doing things to make our wish come true. Why was I so bad at dealing with this?

Our first treatment was easy. Just eating a pill that would help me grow the egg and ovulate. However, it wasn’t easy. Coming home from the pharmacy and holding the pill with my name and the text “infertility” in it hit me deep in a place, I didn’t know I had. I felt broken and scared – like I was in for a long bumpy ride I wasn’t sure I was strong enough for. I feared for more difficulties and tougher treatments like IVF.

Maybe me becoming a mom just wasn’t in the cards for us? Sometimes I had to imagine a life without a child and make up good enough of a plan to be content with it. Only it seemed impossible. I tried to not think about it and just live my life, but everywhere I looked there were pregnant women or babies. Suddenly even the blogging community seemed to be full of surprise babies.

People around me were excited for me, which felt awful. Especially since I felt guilty of not having that excitement and hope. Instead I had hot flashes, I felt sick, my head hurt and mentally I was in a dump. All byproducts of the pill I was taking.

That week I suffered the worst anxiety in years, also a panic attack, and was literally just laying on our sofa hoping the days would quickly go by and I would be myself again.

Luckily it got better almost right after I stopped taking the pill. I started to feel like myself. A bit hopeful. In the first ultrasound nothing had happened in my ovaries. Another disappointment. But I still felt fine, mainly because I was relieved of being over the side effects of the pill.

A few days from that, in the next ultrasound I got good news. One egg had grown. My womb looked perfect (“couldn’t look better”, the doctor said). I got to see the egg. It was big, separated from the clump of little eggs next to it. I felt happy: there it was. A real possibility. I ovulated two days from that.

There was maybe a week of good time. A week where I didn’t have to think about anything. I didn’t have to do anything. We’ve already done our best, now it was just waiting. But I didn’t mind the wait. I felt relieved.

A negative pregnancy test

Then I started to get the all too familiar mild bleeding (a brownish thing, not blood, but close to it). We were in a hotel celebrating our 8th year anniversary. I cried a lot that weekend. But then the bleeding kind of stopped and my periods didn’t really start. I was confused. My mind wanted to get hopeful, but I didn’t want to disappoint myself again, and I felt like going crazy. I did a negative pregnancy test. Felt devastated again. Started to have super mild leakage again. I was constantly ready for my periods to start.

I had cramps and my boobs felt sore. I was just waiting for the periods. I told my friends I felt my body being broken. Like it was trying to get the periods going, but they didn’t come. They asked if I had done another test. Frustrated, I told them no, it was a clear negative before.


I was on a trip with my sisters in Hamina. Every now and then my stomach hurt and my boobs were crazy sore. I told them I had decided my periods must start the next day.


Another pregnancy test 2 weeks later

I was working on my computer and feeling the weird cramps in my stomach again. The ones, which I had been feeling for at least two weeks now. I thought my sisters must be fed up with my complaining and craziness, but I still had to vent somewhere. I told them I wished I was pregnant. I googled if I could do a test in the evening, but decided to do it in the morning anyway.

Risto wasn’t sure about the test, he didn’t want me to get disappointed again.

When I went to bed that night, I told myself I’m not pregnant and I believed it. I had to prep myself mentally for another disappointment, because I didn’t want to lose my sleep (like I did with the first test, just nightmares and anticipation the whole night).

In the morning I felt calm. I was going to do the test and not care about the negative result. “At least I can drink without worry in our midsummer cottage trip”, I said to Risto.

I peed in the cup and left it on the table for a bit, while brushing my teeth. I wasn’t eager to dip the test in it, but also didn’t dread it. It was just another test, whatever.

I was used to seeing the one line on the test: negative, not pregnant. So I was shocked, when another line appeared, quickly and clearly, on the test. I screamed out loud, a voice that Risto had not heard before: shock, but also wonder in my voice. I started to cry uncontrollably. Risto came in the bathroom and looked at the test: “Are you sure? Are two lines positive?” My hands were shaking when I tried to show him the instructions. We put another test in the cup and it was also positive, clear two lines. We were having a baby!


Week 6

Yesterday I found out I’m pregnant. It feels unreal to write that down, I think I still can’t believe it. Though I feel pregnant. My boobs are sore, there’s weird feelings in my stomach (like there’s butterflies in there!) and I have to pee constantly. I also get out of breath – something I noticed while running. Besides that, some foods smell super strong and make me sick. I don’t feel sick otherwise, just like I’m losing my appetite a bit. Can you be hungry and feel like you don’t have an appetite at the same time? I feel like that.



I haven’t been this happy in a long, long time.

I had to go to the first ultrasound alone, because of covid and the rules of the clinic. Nervous selfie in the elevator before my appointment.

Week 8 – first ultrasound

Every night I touch my belly and whisper to it: “hang in there, and I will hang in here”. Meaning, I will try not to fear for the worst, I will try not to stress. It must be our time now. Everything must be fine.

Yet obviously the first ultrasound was huge for me. Were you gonna be there? Was your little heart beating?

I didn’t look at the screen when the doctor did the ultrasound. I just waited for her words. And when I heard her say: “congratulations, you have a successful pregnancy” I started crying. I looked at the little bean in the screen and heard a strong heartbeat.

First trimester. Fatigue, nausea, headaches, just zero energy. This is how my summer looked in a nutshell.

Weeks 7-12

To be totally honest, these past weeks have been horrible. I couldn’t imagine such nausea 24/7. And wanting to throw up all the time. Or being so tired your sisters start to call you a ghost. Or losing 5 kilos, just because food suddenly has become the most disgusting thing ever.

I haven’t been able to work out in months. I’ve had maybe one day where I felt good enough for doing a little exercise. Other times my workouts have ended with tears and strong urge to throw up. This one time I cleaned our entire house only to end up puking afterwards, for the physical performance it took. Needless to say I’m not gonna run the half marathon in August.

Right now, at week 12, I feel like I’m over the very worst times. But I still have nausea and feel like throwing up every time my stomach is empty. The good moments where I feel tolerable have increased. And I’m getting closer to the end of first trimester, and our first official ultrasound, which makes me excited.


And even through the most horrible days, I’ve felt happy for the little miracle inside me. Just wanting everything to be okay for it. Ready to take the nausea. Ready for anything.

I know I have doubted myself during the years, more than I should have. But somehow, now I feel calm. I trust my ability at this and I can’t wait to be a mom. And my heart melts when I see how excited Risto is. I know he will be the best dad in the world for our baby.

pregnancy ovulation induction our journey

Weeks 13 -14

The first official ultrasound was unforgettable. Suddenly the little bean had transformed into a little baby. The baby moved around a lot and everything was okay. I cried my concealer off.

I looked at the screen and realized that the most important thing in the world was in my belly now. It’s hard to say which one of us was smiling more that day, Risto or me.

It’s still hard to believe I get to be the one with the baby bump now. That I get to experience this and share the news with you.

We’re expecting a baby in February and we are beyond happy.


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