I wave you good bye, not farewell

depression my story

I have mentioned my depression on my blog several times before. I kinda just threw it in there, between words, not really telling you much about it. My depression wasn’t the easy kind – it wasn’t about me feeling a bit down. It was me being completely helpless, the depression taking over my whole life. And I almost let it.

I’m not afraid of talking about mental health, depression or anxiety. I’m not even scared of telling you, that I was once so depressed, I ended up in a mental hospital behind closed doors. I can – even though I rather not go too much into detail – tell you, that I have been suicidal.

Those are not the things I’m worried about, when I hit publish. And I’m gonna hit publish, because I feel like I have something to say after all and I feel like it has some meaning. To me, anyway.

What I’m worried for, is that I choose the wrong words, when the right words mean everything. That this post turns to negative, instead of positive – because even though there’s so much pain and sadness in this story, most of all, there’s hope.

 

I got a new life. You shouldn’t compare things, but I dare say, a better one. One where I’m not constantly tired, angry and grey. My depression taught me so much about life, myself and others, that I think it was supposed to be that way.  I didn’t deserve all the pain and sorrow I felt, but I want to believe it was all for the better.

When I was at my extremely lowest, I heard these phrases all the time, like:
“You’ll get better.”
“One day, you’ll look back and understand all of this.”
“Life is worth living. You’ll feel that one day.”

Those things turned out all to be true. So if you’re just hearing them, but don’t believe them, you don’t have to. But you do need to trust them.

Depression is just like any other serious sickness. It takes up all your time and all your energy. You don’t feel anything. You feel everything. You don’t choose depression and depression doesn’t choose you. It can happen to anyone. Like me, a girl next door. Who would have thought I carried such scars? But the one thing that divides depression from other sicknesses, is that medication and therapy doesn’t cut it. It isn’t cured just with science.

You need to want to get better, you need to work hard and you need to fight. Don’t let it take your life.

I have to admit though, I started to get better only when I got worse first. I tried to live with it, I tried to fight it, but at the end I was just so tired I let it take me. It’s just a distant memory now, but once there was a time when I thought I had seen it all and life had nothing for me anymore.

Being so low, so sad and so depressed, that you’re ready to take your own life. That’s a feeling I wish no one had to know, to feel. But when I look back on it now, I see hope.

You know why? Because when you’re at the bottom, there’s only one way to go, and that is up.

And when I realized that, I started walking. And boy, when you start that journey, only sky is the limit. I remember that light feeling I felt, when I got to go home from the hospital. I knew I wasn’t 100 % cured, but I felt like a new chapter just opened up for me.

This is the part, where I feel emotional, where I may shed a few tears. Happy tears, because I got this new amazing life and I got to know to this awesome person, who now looks at me in the mirror every day with pride. I never would have been this strong, if it wasn’t for the heavy stumbling I did.

So you probably haven’t been to a mental hospital. You probably think there’s crazy people in it. I can only talk about my experience and the department, that I was in, but nevertheless: There are no crazy people in it (though, aren’t we all a bit crazy?). There are no psychos running around the halls and being crazy.

There are sad people. Sad in a way, that you can understand. Sad about having nothing in their life – because if you’re not really there, do you actually have anything?

I remember being in the hospital, just thankful, that someone took care of me and made sure that I was living in somewhat normal routine. Breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper. I got to sleep, I got to meet other people, and I got to be in group therapy. And I got the right medication, that helped me to balance my depression and pills to help me sleep.

When I was starting to get better, and I started to feel more energetic, I remember passing the time by doing my makeup or walking the corridors and staring outside, and noticing all the beautiful details, that I had forgotten about. I always talk about ‘the little things’, that make me happy. That’s what I mean. It’s where it all started, noticing the little details, appreciating them. Creating little moments, enjoying the small things.

Whenever I feel sad, or the weather is bad (most of the time in Finland) I automatically start to look for the little good things.

For example, now. I’m writing this at home, on our living room, on our soft beige sofa. We haven’t opened up the blinds yet, even though it’s almost 4pm and I think it was an hour ago, when we were supposed to go for a run. It’s a bit dark, outside it’s grey and cloudy with a heavy chance of rain. I’m feeling this huge happiness, because

  1. it’s saturday, I got to drink a pink smoothie and drink lots of coffee while watching one of my favorite shows.
  2. On our window stand, right in front of me, there is a statue of an angel looking up with her hands held high, like a winner. She’s cheering for me, rain or shine.
  3. I’m exactly where I want to be, in love with life.

Mental health is something, that people talk about a bit more nowadays. But there’s still a lot to talk about. Mental health can suffer just like your physical body can. Depression is a sickness – and you should never blame the person for it.

And you know what? I survived. And since then – I’ve felt this huge gratitude and joy for just being able to be here and breath this air. For being able to look outside and feel the breeze on my skin. For being able to run. For being able to write.

I chose life and that’s my favorite thing in the world – the thing, that makes me blush and giggle and most of all – love.

depression my story

photos jasminanna – edit me
title & my power song – Trampoliini

If there any depressed people reading this: I want to say the words I heard so many times, but didn’t believe at the time. They were true and I want you to hear them, memorize them and let them give you hope: It will all get better. You will survive this.

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14 Replies to “I wave you good bye, not farewell”

  1. I have several close family members suffering from depression, two who have been admitted to hospital due to that fact. Depression is a chronical illness as much as Diabetes or hypertension, and it is really important to talk about that.

    1. Charlotta Takkula says: Reply

      I’m sorry to hear that. It shouldn’t be that common. I think it can definitely be chronical, but you can also survive that. There are different kinds of depressions – I mean everyone experiences it a bit different. I feel like I ‘cured’ it, even though I know there’s the tiny part of me, that will never forget depression and those feelings that I had and they do surface when something bad happens or I’m feeling low. Thanks for commenting and sharing that – I appreciate it.

  2. Depression is so much more commonly talked about these days rather than when I was a child and I think that’s for the best. You’re a strong woman and above anything, well done for being open about it. This read will help many people Charlotta. Big hug and thanks for sharing xx

    1. Charlotta Takkula says: Reply

      Thank you so much for all the kind words <3 I hope it does help someone. xx

  3. [* Shield plugin marked this comment as “trash”. Reason: Failed GASP Bot Filter Test (comment token failure) *]
    Apua, kuinka ihana ja samalla hätkähdyttävä teksti! Kiitos sulle siitä.

    Voin niin samaistua noihin ajatuksiin, vaikka oma masennukseni on onneksi pysytellyt aika kevyen rajoissa. Vaikka pohjalla on kyllä oltu. Musta toi on niin hyvin sanottu kun totesit että masentuneena et tunne mitään, mutta tunnet kaiken. Psykologian opiskelijana mulla meni oma aikani myöntää ja hyväksyä se, että saattaisin olla masentunut. Toisaalta kun omille tuntemuksille sai nimikkeen, tunnevyöryt helpotti jo huomattavasti 🙂 Oon vastikään aloittanut blogin kirjoittamisen pitkästä aikaa juuri sen takia, että haluan tuoda näitä kaikkia mielenterveyteen liittyviä asioita enemmän esille! Erityiskiitos sulle sun mielettömästä rohkeudesta.

    1. Charlotta Takkula says: Reply

      Voi kiitos, ihanaa jos teksti herätti jotain ajatuksia tai tunteita. <3 On ihan helvetin vaikeeta myöntää, että on masentunut. Niin moni vetää piippuun asti, ennen ku myöntää tarvitsevansa apua - itelleen tai muille.

      Ihanaa, että yhä useampi puhuu ääneen näistä asioista. <3

  4. Great read Charlotta!!! Depression and mental health in general is something that needs to be talked constantly, I love when people open up and say ‘I suffer from this and that’s ok’. It really is ok and by opening up, you get to help people and make them understand they are not alone and they have all the help they need. So happy you posted about this. Happy Saturday xx

    Yiota
    PinkDaisyLoves

    1. Charlotta Takkula says: Reply

      Thank you so much, those words mean a lot to me. <3

  5. [* Shield plugin marked this comment as “trash”. Reason: Failed GASP Bot Filter Test (comment token failure) *]
    <3

    Just ne pienet asiat. Eräs kaveri naurahti kerran, kun intoillin jostain pikkuisesta yksityiskohdasta, taisi olla täydellinen vaaleanpunaisen sävy. Mutta toipumisprosessissa ne pienet asiat ova ehdottoman tärkeitä. Kun oppii löytämään edes jotain pientä hyvää jokaisesta päivästä, huomaa, että niitä alkaa olla paljon ja pieni muuttuu suureksi. Minulle esimerkiksi meikkaaminen oli valtava apu kaikkein synkimpinä hetkinä. Se, että minulla on kivaa huulipunaa ja hyvältä tuoksuvaa hajuvettä tekee olosta turvallisemman ja maadoittuneemman. Jollekin se näyttäytyy pinnallisena ja hassuna, mutta minulle siitä tuli pintaa syvemmälle ulottuva asia.

    Ja niinhän se on: olo alkaa helpottaa. Vanne löystyy. Me ihmiset olemme aivan hemmetin moniulotteisia ja vahvoja olentoja. Heikkoja ja rikkinäisiä, mutta samalla vahvoja. Sä olet selvinnyt, mä olen selvinnyt. Se on ihmeellistä ja valtavan siunaavaa. Ihminen, joka on käynyt läp tällaisia kokemuksia on minun kirjoissani sankari. Haluaisin jakaa mitaleita kaikille ex-masentuneille. Ja niille, jotka vielä kamppailevat haluaisin vaan sanoa, että aika on usein tehokas lääke. On ok, ettei jaksa sinnitellä. Siitä alkoi minun paranemiseni, kun uskalsin olla niin vahva, että myönsin olevani heikko ja lopussa. Vahvinta mitä olen koskaan tehnyt on ollut pyytää apua.

    1. Charlotta Takkula says: Reply

      Ihana kommentti, ihan meni kylmät väreet. Oon niin samaa mieltä mitaleista ja muustakin. Meikkaaminen ja kosmetiikka oli mulle kans yks niistä pienistä kivoista asioista. Onat purnukat kylppärissä toi ja tuo yhä turvaa, niin hassulta kuin se kuulostaakin. <3 Pieni muuttuu suureksi, todella. Kiitos kun kommentoit.

  6. Thanks for being brave enough to candidly share this. I love that your blog is such a beautifully written but honest account of your feelings. We need more bloggers like you. More originality, because it’s so important.

    I can relate a lot to what you’ve written here. Sometimes I feel that I wouldn’t change the past even if I could, as it helps me appreciate what it means to be truly happy now. I’m so glad that you’re where you want to be and in love with life.

    We get a lot of wet grey weather here but on my travels around the Arctic countries I’ve often wondered what it would feel like to live there all the time. I find myself feeling low in the Winter months of January and February here when it’s darker. But I love the Polar night for a few days whilst away. I will not forget in future that for those who live in that part of the World, it must be tough at times. The weather can have such a profound effect on how we’re feeling, especially if already feeling low.

    Keep being you and living your best life. I love reading about it and am so glad I discovered your blog <3

    1. Charlotta Takkula says: Reply

      Thank you Amy. I want my blog to show both of my sides: good and the bad. I’m happy that you appreciate it.

      I guess the topic is quite relatable: we all know someone who has been depressed and we all have those feelings. I’m happy, that you’re truly happy too. <3

      I could write another three posts about the weather.. it's funny. Even though I've been living here my entire life, I think I'll never fully get used to it. Especially now that I've been able to travel around the world, I dream about living somewhere else for a few months every year.

      I'm happy I have you as my reader - and I love your blog as well. <3

  7. [* Shield plugin marked this comment as “trash”. Reason: Failed GASP Bot Filter Test (comment token failure) *]
    Itse huomasin paranemisen alkavan siitä kun aloin nähdä taas värejä, kiinnitin huomiota hajuihin ja kuulemani musiikki sai aikaan pienen tunteen. Tuntuu kuin olisi vaihtanut mustavalkotelevisiosta värilliseen.
    Ihanaa kun pystyt arasta asiasta kirjoittamaan avoimesti 🙂 <3
    Itse avoimella osastolla olleena ja suljetulla vierailleena tuo surullisuus oli melkein käsin kosketeltavaa. Kuvasit hyvin sitä.

    1. Charlotta Takkula says: Reply

      Kiitos. <3

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