I’m staring out the window and it’s snowing. Big, huge chunks of snowflakes are falling right towards our window. It’s almost like it’s snowing inside. Mesmerizing.
I realize I’m enjoying the moment and seeing the beauty of it. You see, these past two weeks have been quite tough and tiring – while also being lovely and amazing. I have probably felt all the feelings you can feel. Baby blues sounds like something you can just brush off, but the reality of it is that you need to cry cry cry it off. And talk about it.
One of my friends said there are really no words to describe it. I think I agree. It’s both a physical and mental tornado that only goes away with time.
I’m just in the beginning and I’m trying to remind myself of that. I don’t yet have to have it all together. I have just carried our baby for nine months, given birth and being cut open. Just my body alone has gone through a lot. The first days I couldn’t get up from bed without help, let alone walk. (No wonder I didn’t always have the energy to respond to messages, people asking me how I was. I was so happy of the baby, yet physically really broken and mentally exhausted.) At the end of the first week I could, with a bit of trouble, get up from bed by myself. Now after 2,5 weeks I can move normally, but I still can’t sit on chairs or be on my feet for long. Oh how wonderful it would be to go on long walks or just be able to walk around the house doing house chores all day long. But I still ache and need a lot of rest.
Recovery takes time and patience. More than I could have anticipated.
Every day is different with a baby. There are bad nights and good nights. There are frustrating days and easy days.
Today so far feels like a good day. It’s Friday, I have slept at least eight hours and our baby is happily on my lap, enjoying the contents of Charlotta milk bar. Right now the intensity of having a newborn doesn’t feel so scary. Oh what wonderful adventures life has in store for us. We haven’t even yet seen her first real smile – or heard her voice. There’s so much to look forward to.
This new situation, our baby, she, is nothing like I expected. Except the cutest thing ever – that I anticipated. She came with a bang and she has slowly started to grasp her little fingers around my heart tighter and tighter. She makes me feel warm emotions I don’t yet have words for. Complex, yet the most natural feelings in the world, coming from someplace I didn’t always have.
All I know is that feeling her skin against my skin and smelling her scent is the best thing in the world. And I would do anything for her.
She looks like an angel when she sleeps. She calms down in daddy’s lap. She likes warm water and she doesn’t like sleeping in her crib at daytime (luckily nights work). She is a piece of art, perfect. I still can’t believe I got to carry her in my belly and that I got to give birth to her.
I longed for this for so long, mourning infertility.
But luckily I didn’t know just how much I missed.
Day by day things start to fall into their place. Each week I grow into my role a bit more. We start to have some routine. I’m becoming braver.
So all in all, this baby bubble is pretty special. There are difficult moments and feelings (and they’re perfectly normal!) but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Time has stopped. Or has it just begun?